LILAC'S BOOK RANDOM ADVICE & HIPPY VALUES FOR AGES 12 TO ADULT Copyright (c) 1999 William R. ("Bill") Orton AKA Bill Orshefsky ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. Speaking invitations may be sent via email to BILLORTON2000@netscape.net No part of this book may be reproduced without the permission in writing from the author, except by a reviewer quoting brief passages for a review or by a Member of Congress reading parts of LILAC'S BOOK into the Congressional Record. These words are offered as a gift of love to Sharon, my partner on this amazing adventure of parenthood, and, of course, to Lilac, who has helped to open our eyes, so that we are now each spending our time together discovering the world anew. GENESIS (A poem by Lilac's mommy) Eyes meet in the night Bodies embrace in a sweat Hearts beat with desire Safe and warm Two souls forget about the world Eyes gaze into darkness Body moves in water Heart beats with life Safe and warm A little soul prepares for the world Eyes meet in the bright light Bodies embrace one another Hearts beat with love Safe and warm Three souls face the world as one Poem by Sharon Zlotnik 11/93 LILAC'S BOOK: Random Advice & Hippy Values A Book for my Daughter By Bill Orshefsky Hope Everything revolves around hope. It is neither sentimental nor old fashioned to hope for good things to happen. Hope might be the thing which gets you through a bad day or to a brighter future. It doesn't always feel like hopes are rewarded, but holding hope will always get you closer to what you really want. "Don't give up" is usually the phrase which best applies to hope. Work Hope works best when you work hard at what you hope for. Like hope, you may feel that work is not rewarded or recognized, but hard work will always get you ahead. You prove what you can do every time you work hard. No greater confidence can be gained then through your own hard work. No greater rewards can be earned then those which stem from your own work. Work and hope will always be the surest path to success in anything that you do. Tomatoes There is no greater joy than the taste of fresh tomatoes. Nothing beats a homegrown tomato, but a real tomato can be gotten from any farmer's market or good produce vendor. Grocery stores do not actually sell real tomatoes. They only offer red balls which have the taste and texture of kindergarten paste. A tomato salad for four: three chopped tomatoes, one cucumber sliced, a bunch of green onions diced, feta cheese and olives and a dressing of olive oil and red vinegar. Thinking Since thought is the basic human survival tool for humans, thinking people will always fare better than those who sit around and let others feed their minds. Seek the balanced development of your mind and body. Explore your imagination. Communicate what is in your head. Much in life requires no thought at all, but why pointlessly watch TV or play video games when you could engage in thought? Television You can live without a television. Sure, it's neat to sit for hours and watch TV, but what do you really gain? The only thing worth seeing on television is a speech by the President and even that you can listen to on radio. Television robs you of original thought and imagination. Your future will always be brighter without a TV. Playing It's good to play, especially as you grow older. Playing is doing whatever you wish to do just for the fun of it. Whether it is dancing, creating things from scratch, inventing games, running around on the beach or a hill or drawing, always include time to play. Five or eighty-five, you should still be able to go over to a swing set and swing for a little while. And take the time to play together with your child, as that is an important part of your relationship. Playing together is your opportunity to share in their joy. Don't miss your chance to discover the world anew. Breathing & living better The best thing you can do for your body is to breath well. Little else matters if you cannot breathe. Riding a bike helps improve breathing. It's also a good way to move about, especially on local journeys. Ride a bike as often as you can. Don't bother about riding fast. As with many things, stamina is more important than speed. Being deliberate Why do people rush around so much and talk so fast? You experience so many more wonderful things in life if you just take your time. On a bicycle, you can enjoy flowers, birds, dogs and cats and pretty houses. While walking, you can stop to pet a cat or smell a rose. Take the time during and after a meal to enjoy both the food and conversation. Be deliberate in what you do at work to ensure that your efforts are complete. Check your work. The extra time you spend will earn you greater rewards. Take your sweet time. Let other people rush around. Friendship Friendship is the world's greatest gift, worth far more than fame or fortune. Find friends you trust. Try not to judge them. While friends will usually care about you and want to share your company, it may not always be so. Friends do get irritated with one another, but true friendships will survive, so let it pass. Do not ask a friend to do something for you which you would not do for them. Write letters to your friends. A personal letter in the mailbox from a friend is the day's treasure. Family The most lasting relationships you will have will be with family. Just as in any relationship, interaction in a family is guided by no book. Relations are warmest when guided by love, respect and acceptance, but these may sadly be lacking. Give these to yourself, though. At some point, you will probably turn to family to help with the emotions you experience, mountains you climb and secrets you have, so be there when family needs you for such things. Reach out when you need them. Show affection, when it feels right. Try to be friends. Be square with family when you've come to turning points, even if it's after you've rounded the corner. Love It takes a while to understand love. There are so many different ways to feel and express love. The Beatles are right, though: All you need is love. If you are lucky enough to share love with another person, then tell the other person how love feels to you and understand their love. Express your love to them. Show it naturally with your touch, your voice and your eyes. Perhaps most important of all, if you are a parent, let love guide your every touch and word to your tiny companion. A child deserves and needs the respect which can only be given when love is the basis of the relationship. You may look back and realize that what you had once thought was true love was not truly love at all. Don't worry. The best part about love is it gets better with practice. Idealism The world is not a happy place, despite the powers at our disposal. Humans have "thought," which can be applied to great questions. We have technology, which, in theory, can ease the burdens of the world. We have religion and politics and other beliefs that offer guidance and leadership. Why, then, do we humans suffer so? The idealist tries to figure out how to use our great powers to make the world better. Idealism is a good thing. Never discard it, especially if the world does not change in a day. Music Listen to as much music as you can, to music you know and to music which you have never heard before. All music has beauty and power. Listen to music in different languages. Time may change your preferences. Create your own music, as music can address each of your emotions, especially if it is you who creates the notes. Animals There is a whole tree of life which defines the animals and plants. Humans are mammals, along with wolves, horses, whales and mice. Humans may be unique because of how we can think, but we still live on just one limb of this tree of life. Science says that our brain is more advanced than that of other animals, but the way we treat the world seems to disprove that. Plants and animals do not exist simply for our own purposes. Nature has a plan for each creature. We are not wiser than nature. Animals have dignity and experience pain. Many species are now extinct, or close to it, due in large part to human activity, which means that we have helped to kill every last member of a certain that type of animal. We have an obligation, therefore, to do the least possible harm to the planet, for there are not many tigers, gorillas or panda bears alive now. Learn about animals. Visit as many as you can in your life. Share companionship with an animal, but never take one from its wild home. Religion One very personal choice you may make in life is whether to practice religion. Each of us would like answers to life's great questions. Religion offers answers to many people. Some find that prayer to be a direct connection to the heart, which can help in the search for truth, goodness, tolerance and compassion. Heartfelt faith can bring serenity and happiness; empty faith holds hollowness and disillusionment. Most religions ask you to worship a central figure, but be wary if that figure is a living person. Few humans are saints and none among us are gods. Aspirations & Ambition It's healthy to have ambition. You can aspire to any goal. You can be President. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Look at Mr. Clinton. Born in one of the poorest states and of humble means, he rose by his own talents. Seek honorable ways to prove what you can do, but know that blind lust for advancement or competition is destructive. War & Peace People fight out of hatred, pride and greed. Now, we see many wars fought over religion, ethnicity and against those who look different. Artificial differences have long served as cause for war. In the 1930s and 40s, the whole world fought a war largely brought on by the twisted hatred and evil of one man, Adolf Hitler. Millions died or were systematically slaughtered. Hitler is dead, but evil and hatred certainly aren't. The roots of many problems are found in history. A country that has tolerance for all its people and cultures, allows each person to express themself freely and provides equal opportunities for every citizen, is a country likely be at peace with itself. Even when necessary, war is not glorious. War is about death. It is not like one sees it in film. Indeed, Bob Denny, my neighbor who earned the Distinguished Flying Cross and five Bronze Stars for service in WWII, said that war movies, never present how horrible war really is. "The horror," says Bob, "is unimaginable." Leadership No greater honor is bestowed on a person than to be chosen by others to lead. Trustworthiness and the desire to help people are the two most important qualifications for leadership. President George Bush said correctly in his Inaugural, that "the only proper use of power is to help people." If you are honest, work hard with little concern for your own gain, care about people and listen to what others have to say, then you will be a good leader. Dedicate yourself to each task, for you are entrusted to do no less. You must also have your own strong ideas and be willing to stand up for what you believe. President Nixon, once said "if you don't stand for something, then you stand for nothing." History Don't judge history by a dusty book cover. History is alive. It's about the passion of people. People who inspired great changes a generation ago or a five centuries ago may pass their passion to you. You will understand the world better if you know a lot of history. It's important to know, however, that historically famous people are still human. They ate and slept and picked their nose. Most historical figures have had sex. If history books included these critical and yet insignificant details, history would be more interesting, if only because we would see that each of us possesses the exact same stuff as those figures whose lives and doings are recorded on the pages of history. Gifts Gifts should reflect how you feel towards a person. Thus, generosity should be driven by your heart and not the calendar. Don't buy into the belief that gifts must be given at certain times. While money spent on gifts is important to our economy, it is perfectly acceptable to tell people that you do not exchange gifts at a holiday time. You will know the right time to give or receive a gift. Establish a tradition of simply giving "love presents" spontaneously. Attachment & Suffering The Buddha taught that the greatest cause of human suffering is attachment. We set ourselves up for suffering because we form bonds to beings or material objects. Love causes us to suffer when a loved one is lost. Ownership causes suffering when we are robbed of objects. Recognize your own attachments that cause suffering. It may take many years, but by detaching yourself, you will indeed suffer less. Grief & Loss It may seem contradictory to talk about letting go of attachment and then to follow up with grief. Life is contradictory and grief helps you recover from personal loss. Grieve freely. Suppressing grief delays recovery. Let tears come naturally, but do not rush them if they don't fall at first. Don't waste your time grieving over a lost material object or over a some abstract personal "defeat." An inanimate object can either be replaced or done without and you can overcome any defeat. Writing William Zinser said that the purpose of writing is to convey a thought clearly. Peter Z Orton said that a good writer is invisible to the reader. But so few people write clearly or invisibly. It is not big words or a flourishy style that measure writing skill, but whether you use the right word or phrase to convey a thought. Your writing can always improve through rigorous editing. One good economic reason to work hard on your writing: The better you write and edit, the more you will be able to attain in your life. Food Love yourself by loving food. Eat with joy and moderation from a menu that is heavy on fresh fruits and vegetables and simple foods. Eat when you are hungry and stop when you're satisfied. To shop at a farmers market or grow your food will fundamentally change your taste buds and your perspective on food. It will reconnect you to "growing seasons." Stay away from food in a box or those which have a lot of preservatives. Be aware of cravings, which come in two forms: your body telling you what you need and your mind telling you what you want. If a craving tells you that you need to eat six oranges or consume three bowls of soup in one sitting, then do so. Cooking The way to learn how to cook is by cooking. Don't be discouraged if you create some disaster dishes at first. As you become more sure of how different foods and spices taste, your success rate will improve, especially if you cook from instinct. Get comfortable with staples. Spice lightly. (Celery leaves are a good substitute for salt. Dill, thyme and rosemary are good as a light sweet combo.) If you cook meat, give thanks to the animal for its sacrifice. Don't prepare meat on a wood surface. A cast iron skillet with a cover is a good stove-top standard, because cast iron "remembers" the taste of your cooking. (Never, never wash anything of cast iron with soap.) Experimenting Life presents itself in a dazzling, dizzying array of choices. You [have] become the person that you are by experimenting. Experiment out of love of life and love of yourself. Sometimes you may experiment for the sake of experimenting. Later, you may look back and judge earlier actions as only experiments. Some experiments you won't repeat. You might not like coffee, for example. Make your own decisions. Do not let yourself give in to the pressure of others on experiments. You are ultimately responsible for your actions and any repercussions which may follow. Know about possible risks. Listen to cautionary advice. Beware of destruction. Alcohol Muslims believe we should not drink alcohol, because it detracts from our connection to God. In France, almost every meal is enjoyed with wine. In America, there are liquor stores on almost every corner and a bar on every boulevard. Somewhere between these viewpoints lay the proper role for alcohol. Make your own choices about this drug, but don't drink out of loneliness or boredom or let anyone chase you to drinking. Alcohol is not all that it is cracked up to be. Drugs Among the many choices you may face is whether to use drugs. No one can tell you what to put in to your body. The choice, therefore, ultimately belongs to you. That puts great power and responsibility in your hands. It is fair to say that drugs taken during your youth will waste you away during your most critical formative years. Taken as an adult, drugs will dull your reality and keep you from realizing your full potential. Find out what you want and don't want and know why you've made your choices. If someone offers you drugs and you don't want them, just politely say "no thank you." Don't harshly judge others who use drugs. Each person makes their own choices and lives with the consequences of their actions. Death Life will eventually end and there is no certainty as to where you go after death. The good works which you do, the bonds which you form and the kindness which you spread are your epithet. We seem such a fragile species when pitted against nature or, worse, our inhumanity. Don't fear death. As the Buddah said, "Decay is inherent in all things." Likewise, don't be afraid of talking about death, if it is upon you. Relationships A relationship is not some goal to be attained, but a meaningful interaction between individuals. You will have relationships of various kinds: family, friends, colleagues, companions, partners. All bonds, however, should be based on honesty, trust and equality. You are not measured by the number or by the absence of relationships. As with many things, quality is more important than quantity. A relationship is never worth the sacrifice of your self-esteem. Be willing to draw lines about what you consider appropriate in the different levels of a relationship. You won't give a friend the same level of interaction as you will your partner. Tension may come when one person is not clear on what they want in a relationship. If you don't know what you want, then relax and let time tell. Enjoy that person's company. Talk things through. You'll both learn what is what, so don't rush things. If you both want to go beyond friendship, then holding hands and kissing is a good start. They can tell a lot. Kissing is a very big step and you should only do this if everything seems just right. Enjoy kissing by itself for a long time before going forward. Things may happen or they may not. Who knows? Sidenote one: there is never a place for violence within a relationship nor is it ever justified. Never. Even if the roots of violence can be understood or sympathized with, it makes any on-going meaningful interaction impossible. Sidenote two: relations with animals differ only in that other species do not think as we do. These bonds, however, should be based on respect. Treat animals with dignity, particularly animal companions. Desire Desire is a very powerful feeling. Desire can heighten your pleasures and deepen your woes. Nothing is sweeter than desire fulfilled and on the other hand a desire unfulfilled can bring despair. If you are involved with one person and have regular desire for others, look closely at your relationship. You should desire your partner. If you do not, then explore the reasons why. Uncontrolled desires can lead to your downfall. Beware of the power of desire, but do not rigidly deny yourself of its magic. The Value of Things Past America is a young country and we look at everything, including our history, from the perspective of the immediate past. Our buildings, books, culture and wisdom are filled with rejections of that which is old. We reject people for their advanced age, locking the wisdom of a lifetime in "old folks' homes." We reject values and traits that seem old-fashioned, like being self-sufficient or spending time talking to a vendor at a marketplace. Common sense seems no longer common. Old items are treated as useless, despite the fact that many continue to ably perform still-necessary functions. We forget that a garden is grown primarily not to save money but because food tastes better when it comes from your yard. Keep your mind open to yesterday and you will find value in its messages and craftwork. Kindness Kindness is the most under rated of human virtues. Because it is not obligatory, each act of kindness reveals its power anew. Kindness is a pure expression which redeems both the giver and the receiver. An act of kindness carries no expectations and is best greeted by a simple "thank you." Kindness does not accumulate, save in the memory of others. Although you may not see it directly, kindness is always rewarded, if only because others remember you kindly. Nothing greater can be said of you then that you were kind. Thinking of Others Think of others as you go about your life. Offer kindness, compassion and generosity to as many living creatures as you can. Overlook differences and instead think of what we all share with one another. In our own species, do not divide us falsely over questions of skin color, belief or gender. Dividing the species along such lines is what holds people back from realizing their own full potential. Find ways to lessen the impact which your life has on the planet. We owe it to our own children and to the offspring of other species to pass down a healthy inheritance. Hygiene Scrubbing the wear and tear of life off of your skin is as close to daily rebirth as you may come. Clean yourself with joy. Hygiene is the best way to care for the largest organ of the body: the skin. As mammals, we have hair. You alone decide whether to keep or shear your hair. It's no big deal, either way. It doesn't change you inside. Buy simple soaps and shampoos, at a good health food store if you can. Use natural deodorants, since most contain aluminum or other metals. (How good can it be to put aluminum into the pores under your arm for a lifetime?) Do not be embarrassed to discuss hygiene. Money By itself, money is just a concept: a fixed unit which expresses the fluctuating value of a good or a service, like a chocolate bar or a movie. Muslims believes that wealth does not belong to you, but that it is merely in your hands today and that you have an obligation to share that wealth with the poor and needy. Andrew Carnegie, one of the world's richest men, wrote in 1888 that a person should have only enough wealth to ensure their family's absolute security. All else should go for the betterment of society. The Buddha taught that neither wealth nor poverty are the proper path, but that your should walk a Middle Path about material goods. In reality, money seems to be the driving force for most people and institutions on this greedy little planet of ours. The surest path to making money will always be that if you perform work, you'll earn pay. If you work hard, you won't have to worry too much about money. Don't love money for its own sake or measure yourself or your values by fixed little units. Kindness can't be rung up on a cash register. Caring about others or spreading love cannot be measured in fixed units. Christ..., Some believe that Jesus Christ is the Son of God, the Lord and Saviour. Some view Jesus as a great Prophet, beloved by God and who revealed God's Word, but who himself was mortal. History says that Jesus lived two thousand years ago and taught of love and compassion. We are fortunate to possess the messages of peace, goodwill, tolerance and compassion which this great man offered. You can choose to believe what you will, but never discard the power of love as taught by Jesus. His is a love which will liberate your heart and imbue you with a more pure soul. Mohammed..., The Prophet Mohammed lived in the 600s in Mecca and Medina, in what is now Saudi Arabia. He sold camels for a living and married a wealthy widow. Mohammed was only a man, but Muslims describe his value on earth by saying that he was like "a jewel among ordinary stones." There is no religion based on Mohammed. Muslims believe that Mohammed transmitted the literal word of God, which is what Prophets do, but that only God is God and only to God does one pray. The God of Mohammed is the same God as that of Jesus and Moses and Abraham. How did Mohammed come to hold such a role? Muslims believe that while Mohammed was meditating in a cave, the archangel Gabriel came to him and, on his disbelief, wrestled Mohammed to the ground. The angel told Mohammed that he was beloved by God and had been chosen to reveal God's Word. Mohammed then eventually dictated The Koran, which is beleved to be an exact transliteration of the book which God has in Heaven. & the Buddha The Buddha was a prince who lived long before Jesus. He had a castle and great wealth. On journeys outside his castle, he came across suffering and sought to understand it. While still a young man, he renounced his wealth and family and went on a lifetime search for enlightenment. It was during this search that he became known as The Buddha. Enlightment, or nirvana, is achieved, he said, by detaching yourself from the bonds one holds to others or to objects. These bonds are the cause of human suffering. Mediation can help to detach oneself, for it can reveal that we are actually owned by our things and are bonded by attachment to living things. Our struggle therefore is to find a Middle Path, where we seek neither wealth for its own sake, nor spurn it for the sake of asceticism. Instead we exist on this earth while seeking nirvana, the only way to end an endless cycle of death and rebirth that is known as samsara. The Buddhist search for that middle path is life's greatest and most rewarding challenge. Computers Technology is a neutral force and it takes a creative mind to put any tool to a meaningful use. No computer will ever be able to figure out what you are thinking until you instruct the machine. Computers are a powerful tool that can help you to realize a project's completion, but only if you know ahead of time what your own hopes are for any given project. Do not assume as a user that you are stretching the power of a computer. As with the brain, usually only a very low percentage of a computer's full potential is ever applied at any one time, so make the machine work. If you are not sure how to use a computer, then the best way to learn is by blundering forward. Don't be afraid. Fear simply keeps you from gaining skills. You won't break a computer by pushing buttons. By experimenting with the machine, you will either fail or you will succeed in achieving a goal. If you fail, try to figure out why. If you succeed, you'll then know how to to achieve that goal in the future. In either case, you'll gain greater skill in putting a neutral tool to better use. Books Books allow you to travel the world, explore the mysteries of science, discover ancient wonders and experience the full range of human emotions. Reading nourishes a love of words and the growth of your intellect. Read everything you can to discover your tastes. Improve the selection of books on the market by writing your own. Education Education is the tool that delivers success in life. It doesn't matter what school your attend or how much your education cost. What matters is that you put all that you have into your school work. Work hard, even if you're not interested in a particular subject. Persistence and determination are the very foundation of every success and these are usually gained first in school. While you may stop going to school, you should never stop learning. The newspaper, for example, is a growth tool for the mind. And, if you choose to do so, you are never too old to go back to school. America The United States of America is the most successful country in the history of the world. We are the weathiest and most productive economy. Our workers are better educated and more creative than any others in the world. No country has outproven America's lasting ability to peacefully hand over power based on the peoples' will. No country has provided the true equality of opportunity which every American dreams of fulfilling. Our people are open, hard working, generous and kind. To be candid, our nation has had its shameful episodes, but never has a nation of so many different people lived in such relative peace. No matter how great, America can not go it alone. Our future is inextricably linked to the fate of the world. Our citizens should be more aware of this interconnectedness. As we lead the world, we must use the best of our morality, intellect, creativity, wealth and influence. Abraham Lincoln was right. "America is the last best hope for humanity." The World The greater the belief that humans control our own destiny, the more horrific is the reality that we are really quite puny. We take little time to experience the grandeur around us. The world is a friend whom you never let down, as it can deliver great treasures and unveil great turmoil. Despite our cleverness, earthquakes shake down mighty cities and floods erase the countrysides. As you don't abandon a friend, do not abandon others around our world. If we do not swim to rescue the hand outstretched in the water, soon it will be our own. Science There are no dusty old facts in science, only more questions. Science allows us to question everything in the universe. It is an aggressive intellectual process that doesn't give a lick about what you believe, only what you can prove. That aggressiveness unnerves some people who do not wish for sacred beliefs to be nakedly examined, but it's not the job of science to apologize for its process or conclusions. Contradictory as it sounds, science can ask all the questions it likes, but it shouldn't play God by allowing humans to genetically create new independent lifeforms or altering the human form or the mind. Creation of a lifeform and consciousness should be allowed to remain the two true miracles of life. Curiosity Look into things, even if things on appearance seem of little interest. By being curious, one day you'll strike a gold mine. Curiosity opens your mind to thoughts which you might not have otherwise entertained. Politics Anyone can get involved in politics. If you want to test this, just pick up your hometown paper, choose an issue, make a few phone calls and start showing up at the local meetings. In a short time, you'll be amazed at how different life is for both yourself and your community. You will prove that politics is not some fancy science or a rigid theory. Politics is an understanding of the way things work and how to change them for the better. It's true what people say, that "all politics are local." If you wish to make things better, than the job of politician is an honorable calling. Who can say why it is that we ridicule and despise our leaders? But it is advisable to equip yourself with a three-piece suit of armor and brush your teeth regularly. No matter what your earn in politics, you have a moral obligation to fulfill the duties of your office with integrity, vigor and fairness. Keep your word. Never back out on a handshake. Do your homework. Listen to others and go out and talk to everyone. Build a base of support for your views by articulating what it is that you stand for. Surround yourself with hard-working, loyal people. Don't let others intimidate you. Laugh a lot, as politics is an odd, but strangely satisfying business. As John Burton says, "once you get a taste of politics, everything else is a bit of a bore." An item not on the list Written 2/23/94. You were born 9 days ago. I had to start writing again by focusing on your arrival, which funny enough wasn't on my list. As I write, you lay sleeping in the big family bed next to your mother, snuggled between her breast and arm. We have cautiously been warned that by letting our big bed be your bed too, we could be spoiling you, but it's just the opposite. It is your mother and I who are spoiled. After you finish nursing, your mother watches you drift to sleep. She has often cried from sheer joy while looking at your tiny body asleep beside her. From every vantage point in our tiny home, we watch mezmorized as you sleep. How is it that we've been so blessed to have such a beautiful little companion join us? Coffee Georgianna Brown correctly said that "coffee is the mother's milk of politics." Coffee is also the single largest export commodity in the world after oil. (About $80 billion in annual exports.) It's definitely an acquired taste and is best drank in moderation. There's as much pleasure in the ritual to preparing a good cup of coffee as there is in drinking it. Coffee is great, but don't get addicted to the stuff. Sadness & Depression When you're down, it may not make you feel any better to know that everybody gets the blues. Don't deny the emotions which come with the blues. They usually pass. When you're in your deepest sorrows, pretend that you are a rock in a riverbed and treat your blues like rushing water. Let it wash over you. Make no effort to dam up the blues. Like a rock, let the water flow past. Knowing your blues helps free you. Sex In its many forms, sex is one way to explore a relationship. Sex is a natural act. Every person on this planet originates from sexual union, but while it's natural, the empty act of sex isn't very satisfying. The emotions which go with sex make the act magical when it's with the right person. There is no rule that says when you should start having sex. But, likewise, there's no rule that says you have to "go all the way" at first. Sex includes far more than intercourse. Holding hands says a lot about whether you are attracted to someone. Kissing can be passionate and satisfying it itself. Neck for a long time before you go any further. Be responsible when you start kissing, because you never know what a kiss will bring. If you do go further, be careful. Unprotected intercourse can bring pregnancy, the transmission of diseases or the contraction of AIDS. That's all so scary. Don't take chances. Use condoms and check for diseases. There is nothing wrong about having a healthy sexual appetite, nor is there anything wrong with having no desire for sex. And if you don't feel like having sex, make that point clear. You, YOU, and only you decide what you wish to do with your own body, so say "NO" to everyone, if that's how you feel. You do not have to say yes, just because someone else is begging you. THE DECISION TO HAVE SEX MUST BE MADE BY MUTUAL CONSENT, OTHERWISE IT IS RAPE. Rape is wrong. It is also a felony, punishable by years in prison. If someone is forcing sex on you, defend yourself. Scream at the top of your lungs. Disable the agressor if you can or escape. Attack with full force to get the aggressor away from you. If you cannot escape, that work your way into a better position of defense and keep screaming. Integrity & Honesty People remember what you do and what you say. So don't fool yourself. Most people can tell a fake. Live life honestly. Find the people you truly want to associate with. Explore your tastes. Let them change. Admit your mistakes and learn from them. Talk straight and do what you say you'll do. Prove that your word is worth gold. Seeing inside people Sometimes, when you interact with a person, there is a momentary flash inside yourself where you instantly feel as though you understand everything that you will ever need to know about that person. You will know with absolute clarity, good or bad, how to deal with that person. Trust that moment, because at such times your gut reaction is rarely wrong. Pets Animals show uncomplicated emotions. These dependent beings deserve your love and respect. Be kind and loving. Feed them and provide water as an act of companionship. Acknowledge the animal's presence. Let it know that you are truly its friend, by showing the respect you would show to any other friend. Never act violently towards an animal. Yelling at or striking an animal only makes it dangerous and unpredictable, because it will live in fear of your next outburst. Dealing with the righteousness of others There is a huge difference between doing what's right and telling everybody what's right. Your own good deeds will speak for themselves. Love and respect answer to any charges of unworthiness. They are the best reply to those who wave their fingers in the air. The louder that a high-and-mighty person might blabber, the more obnoxious their self-righteousness looks. Fear Fear is a survival tactic. The mind creates a moment of crisis so we will radically change direction. Fears are basically irrational; most can be overcome, even when you are deep in their grip. Reward yourself for each step you take to conquer fear. Recognition of your fear is the first step to conquering it. Talking about the fear is another step. Franklin Roosevelt is probably right that "the only thing we have to fear is fear itself." Hatred The best answers to hatred are compassion, tolerance, goodwill, love and eternal vigilence. Hatred feeds on stereotypes, ignorance and lies. Ultimately, hatred is for losers. A person twisted up with hatred is destined to be fired from jobs, rejected in love, denied the honor of leadership and generally spurned by most people. As with violence, hatred makes meaningful interaction between individuals impossible. Anger Anger usually affects you far more than it does the subject of your anger. Don't let anger build up. Deal with it quickly, without crossing the line of resorting to the use of violence or degredation. Some anger can be dispelled by figuring out what is causing you suffering. Other anger can be dealt with by ethically righting a wrong done to you. You'll be okay if you spend more time dispelling anger instead of hiding or rationalizing it. Frustration Perhaps the emotion most difficult to endure is frustration, which often comes from the inability to achieve something which you know you can do. Frustration may bring on self-reproach and ill temper, but don't take it out on others or yourself. Step back and look at the situation. Ask for help. Think of different methods or even just leave the situation and return to it at another time. Humor is a good way to relieve frustration. Patience Patience is not about waiting with hands folded. It is about spending the time needed on any activity or interaction in which you are engaging. It's about listening attentively and practicing thoroughness and care. Patience is about waiting for the results of hard work and hopes to pay off. Patience always pays off, even if not in the ways in which you expected. Patience will often be immediately rewarded with a smile and gratitude. Parents The most difficult, joyful and rewarding endeavor is to raise a child well. Being a good parent tests your ability to grow as a person, to feel and show love and to understand the joy and wonder which comes with discovering the world together with a tiny companion. Being a good parent is not based upon how much money one has or how big a house you live in, but how full is your love and how deep is your patience. Parenthood is best when it is a team effort, for the strength needed to be a good single parent is incomprehensible to most people. As a team, each can look to the other to help pull the weight. Marvel at parenthood, for it will strengthen and center you. Be good examples for your tiny companion. Hug, touch and kiss freely. In your relationship, pay the same respect to your child as you would have paid to you. Dismiss the notions which others have as to how you should be with your child. Instead create your own relationship based upon love, trust, dignity and joy. The resulting companionship and wonder which will carry you through all your days. Siblings It's said that you can choose everything in life, except family and neighbors. Few people know you better then a sibling and yet, funny enough, few will carry as distorted a vision or push your buttons for so long. Remarkable bonds can form at any time between siblings. It may take a lifetime for some siblings to warm up, if they ever do. For other siblings, they may realize the value of one another early on. Siblings move, take on their own lives, even seem to forget about one another, but that usually comes out in the wash. Keep the doors open. You never know whether or when a sibling connection may finally blossom. Neighbors People want to be connected to where they live. There is no better way to establish this sort of bond than to reach out to your neighbors, whether next door or in your town. Assisting a neighbor for the simple wish to help is an act of dignity. Neighbors can become trusted friends, but it may take years to rise beyond the caring, but still superficial level of many neighborly relationships. Even if you yell at or not like certain neighbors, be harmonious. While aiding a neighbor, you may realize that you've entered a sanctum never before revealed to you. Be sensitive, for this is a moment of vulnerability which, once revealed, is usually not forgotten. Opening your door, your mind or your heart to a neighbor offers a glimpse into yourself, upon which you may be judged. The best trait in these moments is graciousness. Advice Everybody offers advice. Don't worry about whether to heed or not heed the words of others. Listen with courtesy. If the counsel is good, great. If not, disregard the advice and weigh your own situation carefully. Consider your options and try to understand what consequences may follow your possible actions. As President Lyndon Johnson said, the toughest thing in not simply to do what is right, but instead to know what is right. Personal Responsibility Assuming responsiblity means you accept the consequences and reap the rewards of everything you do. Run from responsibility long enough and you will be discovered as a lazy-good-for-nothing, a cheat or a whiner. By facing your own actions, you empower yourself and rise anew. Whether it is repaying debts, overcoming deceit or battling a weakness, you must start on the road to personal responsibility by recognizing the need for change. Responsibility cannot be imposed upon you. But your reward for accepting personal responsibility is that you can smile when looking in the mirror and sigh in relief when opening the mailbox. Repercussions Everything that we do has an outcome and we must each deal with the repercussions of our acts. Don't let the preciousness of your own life experiences be wasted. Contemplate what happens and seek lessons about your strengths and weaknesses. Accountability & Blame You bear the brunt of accountability for how your life goes. Of course there are circumstances over which you may have little or no control which may have bearing on your situation, but generally you are the one who has made life as it is for you. Accepting and dealing with this reality will take you much further in life than to point fingers. Blame is irrelevent. Learning and moving forward is better. It is not simply out of generosity that your should avoid blaming others (or yourself), but it is certainly a generous attitude to assume. Blame only makes the future more difficult to handle, because it shuts down the opportunity to learn from an experience and strains relationships. Candles & lightbulbs When Thomas Edison created the electric light, he did not replace the flame of a candle. He only created a convenient source of flickerless light. Sometimes the best illumination is flickering flame, whether for eating, writing, conversing or just thinking. Just as different writing tools allow you to frame your thoughts at different tempos, so do different light tools do the same. You can write or create amazing sitting at a table with only six candles burning. Use light to illuminate more than your field of vision. Use it to illuminate your thoughts and your soul. Brainstorming If you can think up a thought, then you can write it on paper or throw it in the air. Not everything you think of can be accomplished or is worth embarking upon, but there is no reason to limit your thinking while you are seeking to explore your options. The art of writing - and that includes creating a list - first involves creation. There is always time to go back, once a page has been filled, to review what you have put onto an empty sheet. But if you knock thoughts out of the air before they land on paper, then you will have little or nothing later to craft through editing. Creation, Editing & Human Pride It is no easy task to take an empty piece of paper or canvas or block of stone and to then create something which previously had existed only in your own mind. William Zinser is correct that the only purpose of writing is to clearly convey a thought. You can extend that focus to any art. A statue is not within the stone but in the mind. And once creation is begun, so follows the process of refinement through laborious editing. Take pride in all of this, for this is what truly separates humans from all other species. The Animals We Eat Since humans have evolved as omnivores, the fact that most of us eat animals is not, in itself, to be unexpected. As a culture, however, we have become utterly divorced from an understanding of how food comes to us. (This is true not just about animals, but also growing seasons as well.) The suffering of animals is easily documented and should enter into our thoughts at some level when we think about foods we put into our bodies. After all, no life form is born wrapped in plastic and styrofoam. Their suffering should at be acknowledged, if only with an expression of gratitude for the mortal, unwilling sacrifice they were forced to make. The act of saying "thank you for your sacrifice" is as much for the animal as to remind us in each instance that our choices impact the lives of others. The Ocean Is there a force more powerful than the ocean? It's vastness is the ultimate reminder of just how small humans really are. Yet even our punyness does not keep us from destroying these massive zones. The largest creatures on earth fall prey to harpoons and pollution. Die-offs happen all over, from coral reefs to wetlands to island nests due to human activity. Why can't we compliment the ocean for its grace and power and pay respect to it, rather than seek to conquer and destroy it? Nature If there is a God, then its Majesty is unveiled through the changing of leaves, the blossoming of flowers, the interplay of species and the complex interconnectedness of all things. Humans are clever and can conceive of many things, but we will struggle for millenia and never be able to create a bird or a turtle. Nor should be be able to do so, for we lack the wisdom that necessarily must accompany such great power. Nature is not always pretty and may seem brutal, leaving us with the wish to control the great questions. But dogmatic debates cannot rob Nature of its status as the preeminent determiner of life and death. Only humans compete in this regard and our efforts are almost entirely malignant. Mercy & Compassion Who are we to believe that we hold power over one another? Life can change in a moment. Kindness is therefore as important in life as are coins or food. We are linked as a species just as married people are bound. Mercy is redemptive, because, for better or worse, we must live in this world together. Caring about the fortunes of others does not take away much time or personal resources. A selfish heart, tight fist and clenched teeth will never produce peace, either on a personal scale or at any other level. Commercialism It is only recently in our history that humans have come to view the world primarily through the prism of fixed units of currency. Commercialism is an assault upon the mind. Bob Dylan sang "Advertising signs that con / you into thinking you're the one / that can do what's never been done / that can win what's never been won / meantime life outside goes on all around you." Tune commercials out Listening to public radio or your own music. Skip print ads and billboards. You will suffer a bit, as you may lose touch with the trivial, vital aspects of popular culture, but you will be amazed at how much more aware you are of what is really going on all around you. Your Own Good Taste If you are free, if you look at life as a question of how you truly wish it to be, then you shall discover your own good taste. Some of the teenaged web-readers asked me about "what hippies wore," and this gets to taste. To know your own good taste is to be comfortable enough with that you can use clothes and possessions to express EXACTLY the vibes and feelings and atmosphere you wish to put out. If you are not free, then you are buying in to some external vision of what your taste should be. Others may cringe at your own taste, but that's their problem. Guilt If you recognize the consequences of your own deeds and take responsibility for them, guilt becomes a largely irrelevant force. If you have wronged someone, admit it. Apologize where an apology is called for. Change your behavior where such changes are needed. One need not wallow in guilt in order to be a good person. Shame Shame exists only among humans. It is, like guilt, an effort at self-correction, a moral exercise which often leaves the individual too wrapped up in its grips to truly change for the better. Shame is loaded with self-punishment and unchecked leads to self-loathing and reproach. Shameful acts certainly do occur, at the personal, societal and global level and we must not hide from this brutal and ugly fact. But we rise at all levels by working to be more tolerant, more thoughtful, more honest, loving and kind. Bring these traits to your life and you will know little shame. Poetry & Clear Thoughts If you are writing poetry, just write how you feel. Learn the rules as you wish or must, but first, and foremost, know that what is in your heart is what makes for good poetry. Writing that is devoid of substance makes for poor reading. Style comes by pouring out what you really feel and saying it in exactly the way that you know is right. Art Taking a blank piece of paper, or a canvas, or a block of stone, and using it to convey what you alone can see and then presenting this unique vision for others to gaze upon is the highest calling available to our petty species. If you can fluently express your vision, then you are a gifted and valuable artist who can bring long-lasting meaning to our otherwise transient existence. (Even if no one else sees it.) What if it breaks? Most things don't break. And even if they do, they can be fixed. If it's a computer and you're worried that it'll break, then you're not learning how to push the machine to its limits. If it's a car, well, sometimes cars break down. It's no big deal. If you know how to fix the item, great. If not, try learning. If that's not feasible, let someone else fit it. But if you're all twisted up inside before it even breaks, who's going to fix you? Relaxation Relaxation is a conscious decision. I delight in the chance to perform a mindless, repetitive task, such as stuffing envelopes, as these tasks give me the chance to relax part of my brain. Sometimes, I will go into the garden with a pickaxe, to tear up soil for precisely the same reason. I will lounge on a pillow at length just thinking. My personal hero I have some heroes and they inspire me, mostly by inspiring me to become more like them. My biggest hero, Betty Karnette, is a woman in her sixties, a retired teacher whose most inspirational traits are that she perserveres, she talks straight and she knows what she wants. It is not just that Betty won big in her elections to the state legislature or that she hired me as her political writer and says the kindest things about me. Betty is my hero because she sticks to her goals, she is the best conversationalists I've ever known, and she is loyal to her friends. Using the Correct Words English offers an astounding variety of words, so search for the right ones. Ben Franklin said that there's a big difference between "lightning" and "lightning bug." Look up words you don't know. Learn what they mean and how to spell them. You will probably look up any given word no more than once or twice. That's not so bad, considering the power which you are giving yourself with each new entry to your vocabulary. Common Sense Common sense seems not to be so common anymore. In the haste of modern life, we seem to ignore basic truths, yet is it really so difficult to stop and give thought as to what the obvious course of action for any given matter should be? Honesty and candor are a good guidelines for common sense. So, too, is the admission that one does not know everything and, therefore, some thinking or outside inquiry may be called for when something unusual arises. Arrogance & Humility Who is so sinless or all-powerful that they have the right to be arrogant to another? Why must we be made to feel so humble by someone else? Each trait in the extreme causes harm, either to another or to the self. We should each be confident in who we are and in the capabilities we each possess. We should, likewise, be considerate, knowing that others have dignity and are capable of accomplishing things we can do and some things we can't. Quiet confidence, grounded in hard work and honorable ambition, is the middle path. Betrayal & Loyalty You cannot be betrayed, for you do not own another. But the arrogance of another can be perceived as betrayal. With attachments, you create vulnerabilities. You are attached to those you love, to your family, to your friends. But each person is empowered to act independently, as they see fit. The actions of another are not rigtly within your direct control. You may see the actions of another as wrong or selfish or hurtful or evil. They may mean you ill or intend you well. It doesn't matter. The only certainty is that your belief in the concept of betrayal will leave you extremely vulnerable and will routinely spark predictable, frequent and destructive fits of anger. Loyalty, on the other hand, is the universal trait of consideration. Loyalty is a decision to affect one's actions based on the value you hold for another. Loyalty is almost always rewarded, but, like humility, is a hurtful trait when exercised to extremes. WHAT READERS HAVE SAID Lilac's Book has been on the web since Jan. 1997, at http://www.hippy.com/lilac/topics.htm. I have been fortunate, therefore, to receive a great deal of comment on the book, a sampling of which is reprinted here. As you will see, comments are very personal and candid. I made only minimal effort to clean up errors, as they say something about the writers. Readers Comments dear bill... I read your book fully over the net and I think it is the best advice book I've ever read. Your book was such an inspiration to me, when I read it for the first time I almost cried. My life is pretty tough right now. I'm a freshman in high school and my best friend is going to a different school than me I don't have that many friends and when I read your book it was like wow! None of anything seemed to matter. your book helped thank you. Love & Empathy Pam I just read the "Something not on the list..." section of your book. Now I know why my parents are like they are. I am 17 years old. I have been caught with drugs on numerous occasions. I get so mad because they ground me, force me to get new friends (which wasn't so bad an idea), and generally try to control my life as I am "yearning to be free". They feel that drugs are one of the 7 sins and I still don't see eye to eye with them on that point. After making my loving mother cry so many times, I still hadn't figured out that it wasn't because she was sappy. In her eyes she saw her "Lilac" killing himself. The little boy that covers her walls. Your book helped me see why she cried. Thank you. You have given me hope. Love, Joseph heya. i just wanted to let you know that i found lilac's book at hippyland, and read up to war and peace. i really appreciate it, as a person struggling to grow up with her hippy values in tact. can't say it's going too well, but i'm trying :). i didn't want to write you a letter that would clog up your time and stuff, but it means a lot to me that i make a difference in life, and i thought that maybe it might mean a lot to you too to know that you made a difference in my life. can't say i'll use your book as my guide to everything, because life is subjective, which someone with "hippy values" wouldn't want anyway, but i can say that it really helps to know that there are parents out there that care. i haven't seen much evidence of that where i live. if you'd ever like to chat, drop me a line. light and life, zephyr hi there I just started reading your book (only made it to "thinking") but wanted to say ---- hey this is great stuff - I WILL share this with my 3 kids and friends & family. Peace be with you & yours, LouAnne what a neat book. I really enjoyed reading the web page. I especially like KINDNESS and TELEVISION. I've been attempting to quit watching Television for good because I find my self watching it and completely zoned out from the rest of the world. I think your book is cool. peace, John Hankla I really enjoyed your book. I did not get to read all of it but what I did read I found touching. What you write is so true and so easy to do. I am 16 years old I am trying to find my place in this big world. The things you wrote have really inspired me. Well I really don't have anything else to say, I just want to tell you I liked your book. I think Lilac will really enjoy your book. Bye. Suzie I wanted to let you know that I really liked "Lilac's Book" and I appreciate what you've done. Thanks. Chris Thanks Bill, for the book. I am forwarding it to my daughter who is 15 years old and my greatest treasure. I will read and re-read the book you sent. It is an excellent gift and accepted as such, with true gratitude. Stay happy, Don Many love from mexico. Hi, i'm from mexico, my name is calixto and i am 16 years old.i just want to thank you for lilac's book. I liked a lot, and i"m going to redistributed over here to help you for your goal. Thanx again, calixto I only wish that more people could have the knowledge that you posses. mccormd@paulsmiths.edu hi bill, i've only read 4 pages of your book. but i'd like to know whether it has been translated into german. i feel it could be necessary for us german folks, too. in the book, i find several of my own thoughts written down in a beautiful language. since my wife has decided to split and kick me out of her life, taking our now 5-year-old son with her and leaving me no responsibility but paying support to her, i am very much concerned about passing the _right_ ideas to _our_ children, if we ever have the opportunity to do so. the loss still drives me to tears, but i can not change her mind any more, it seems.. anyway, thank you for the book.... take care, -www I'm 20 years old, but I found your book enlightening. I will read this book with my children. -Darrell Pents, Boston, MA. Dear Bill, I think Your idea about writing a book to a baby is great! I personally would like to be in a position of a child like Lilac, she must be happy to have parents like You. Thanks for sharing it all! With love and flowers: Iina, in Russia Anyone wishing to send a message to the author about "Lilac's Book" may send email to: Bill_Orton@hotmail.com For more readers comments to Lilac's Book, visit www.hippy.com/lilac/comments.htm.