I’ve been seeing a guy for about 8 months now and things are going really good, however, we both have been thru failed marriages and been hurt and we’re both scared to fall in love again and take the chance of being hurt again. It’s been 2 yrs now since my divorce and i feel like i might be ready to let myself love again, but his hurt is more recent (less than a yr) and he changes his mind from day today. One day he says he loves me and wants me to move in and share his life, and the next day he says he’s scared to love again. It’s certainly understandable that he’s confused right now–but that kinda leaves me in limbo–what do i do? I can’t let myself love him just to be hurt again either. Any advice?
Loving another always involves some risk. Risk of rejection, risk of ridicule, risk of losing that love you hold so dear. We all want love, but most of us are hesitant to commit ourselves due to such fears.
Those who have loved and lost, feel the pain most acutely. Over time, the pain subsides and one can get back to life again. The next time an opportunity to love comes around, that person is likely to be more hesitant to get involved. This is precisely your predicament.
You’ve noticed that after two years you feel more able to open yourself again. While your boyfriend hasn’t had enough time and mental distance yet to be so open.
I think you two can come together and learn to love again. It will require a positive attitude, perhaps one where you are aware of the mistakes that you made in your last marriages, and strive to make this relationship even better.
But that kind of thing can bring too much pressure into this relationship at this point. In fact that is the basic problem here. The pressure of having failed once, and the likelyhood it might happen again. So the solution requires a complete release from expectations.
After 8 months you two should be able to discuss this frankly, and agree upon a new basis for your relationship where there are no expectations. It’s precisely these kind of expectations that doom many relationships and marriages. After all what is marriage but a codified series of expectations.
Don’t let yourselves be tempted to commit to anything, like living together, until you both feel it is right. Remove this kind of pressure, and perhaps you’ll both be more free to be yourselves. Certainly you’ll be less defensive and more willing to go with the flow of the relationship.
In other words, my advice is to go slow, go with the flow, and don’t lay expectations on each other. When the time is right to get to the next phase in your relationship, you’ll both know it.
Good luck & good lovin’!
The Old Hippy
Posted by: skip
Dear Old Hippy,
I just don’t understand all of the haters today… racists, gangs, it is insane. How can anyone say i hate everyone? It’s not possible. I find an infinite love for everything. There is good in every person. You just have to believe it and find it. My faith in humanity wears everyone around me down. They tell me i’m stupid, but i still believe. Someday everyone will see, and the violence, and destruction, and politics, and everything that is killing nature will be resolved. Until then, all i can do is stand up for what is right, kick back, put a daisy in my hair and smile as i send some love to the world. im sending some your way. what do you think of the haters? Is a trip across america in a van still a good idea? (i have to see so much).
And finally… have you got the meaning of life??
In my many years as a hippy I have met a number of beautiful people such as you. People who always send out a positive vibe. People who hug strangers and make them feel at home. People who look at you eye to eye and all you see is love. This is a very powerful thing. I’ve seen how it moves people. Don’t underestimate what your love can do! It is the force that heals. It can transform the violence and hatred inside people.
Unfortunately there never seem to be enough people like you! The truth, however, is that we can ALL be like this! What it takes is letting go of the ego, the fears, the expectations, and letting the LIGHT fill you inside. Then you must communicate this love to all those you meet. When you meet someone, look them in the eye. Hold their gaze. Let yourself fill with love and send this through your eyes to the other person. IT WORKS!
Just be aware how powerful this is. I once did this to my friend’s ex-wife and she hounded me for months with phone calls, letters and poems (about me). I only did it because I’d returned from Kauai, Hawaii where I’d been living on Secret Beach for two weeks. I guess I was as naturally high as I’d ever been. Anyway this woman to whom I was not attracted, wouldn’t take no for an answer. I learned then I had to use the love “force” judiciously.
Those who hate are lacking love in their lives. Love is the cure for them. When hippies get together (usually in a circle) and send love out to the universe, it is much appreciated and well used. The first step for those who hate (and fear) is find a way to love oneself. To forgive oneself for what one has done and thought. Then from self-forgiveness comes self-love. You certainly can’t love others if you have no respect for yourself. Those who hate usually hate themselves and their own situation. Everyone creates his own reality. It can be changed at will.
Now about taking a van across country. Of course! Why not? I just took a trip like that last year from Maine to San Diego! It’s something everyone should do at least once in their lives if not a dozen times. A van is the best way to go too. You have room for stuff and can usually sleep inside if necessary. You also have room for extra riders!
OK, so you wanna know the meaning of life. Well I can tell you, you won’t find it reading THIS webpage!
-The Old Hippy
Posted by: skip
I have a question about love for you. I’m in love with a guy. I want to express my love to him, but the last time i told a guy i had feelings for him, he really hurt me. i need advice on what to do because i am scared.
Every guy is different. Most guys will run away if you lay it all out. Remember, some guys are afraid too. And there are other, more subtle ways of expressing your feelings without coming right out with it (because that demands a reply).
I think you probably shouldn’t tell any guy how deep your feelings are until you’ve gotten to know him well. By then your feelings may have changed.
In the meantime, look him in the eyes and see what’s there. Is he looking back? Can you talk to him? Does he listen to you? You first have to establish communication before you can get serious with someone. This can take awhile. Don’t have expectations. If you don’t have expectations, you won’t be disappointed if things don’t work out. Don’t be afraid. Just do it! That doesn’t mean have sex, that means just go with the flow and don’t think about. Just live in the moment and let your love flow.
May you find true love!
The Old Hippy
Posted by: skip