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relationships

Can marijuana damage a good relationship?

Hi there

I’ve slowed my weed smoking way down, so I’m only smoking several times a
year now – in a large part, because I think it’s beginning to really mess
with my head whenever I smoke.

I have a wonderful girlfriend who I adore. We have a really great time
together, been together almost four years, planning to be together a lot
longer. We generally have a great relationship.

Every single time I’ve gotten high over the past several years (which is
maybe five times), our relationship gets bad for several weeks afterward. I
stop being in to her, forget why I love her, fail to see the wonderful
things about her. Then, after several weeks, things come back together, and
we’re in love again.

Since these bad feelings seem to come on just when I smoke (or after), I’m
starting to conclude that smoking weed is too disruptive to my life. A four
hour high just isn’t worth three weeks of feeling frustrated and helpless
with where my life is.

Other consciousness altering activities don’t cause me problems. Mushrooms
seem fine. Yoga and meditation bring me closer to my girl and make me feel
good and hopeful about where my life is.

Any thoughts on this? Is the problem the weed?, the girl?, me?

thanks!

 

Something doesn’t make sense here. Smoking cannabis doesn’t usually lead to relationship problems, unless the smoking itself is an issue in the relationship. You don’t mention whether your girlfriend approves of your use of cannabis, or whether she gets high along with you.

The only physiological effect of smoking once in awhile, that lasts more than a day, is that THC does remain in your system for weeks, at ever decreasing levels. That THC should affect your mental state and relationship over that long a period is very unlikely.

What THC does do, quite well in fact, is change your perspective on things. And let’s say that before you were in this relationship you were smoking quite a bit on your own (you sorta imply that). Let’s go one step further and suggest that when you were doing all this smoking you were free and not committed to any relationship. So what could be happening in this scenario is that you are now involved in a relationship that requires you to constantly be aware and concerned about another person. Something you didn’t have to do before, especially when you were getting high more frequently. Now when you smoke, you miss that freedom from responsibility, and regret that you must now live for another person, not just yourself.

You don’t mention how old you are, but my guess is late teens to early 20s. This can be a factor, as I’ve noticed that some people who start smoking weed when they’re young (like 13 or so) don’t mature socially as fast as those who are straight. That is, they avoid those situations that require more responsibility, especially to others, with one cop out or another. It’s just a postponement of the inevitable, and can actually be a handicap in new relationships, because the usual dating scene was bypassed in favor of a hangout with the guys and get stoned scene.

I’m assuming an awful lot here, and really don’t know if this applies in your case. But it could.

The solution for you is to come to terms with your own reactions. Why do you let getting high interfere with what is apparently a good relationship? If you feel like you really don’t want to be involved with this person when under the influence, why? Is it because she makes what seems like unreasonable demands upon you? Because what might seem unreasonable while stoned, can seem perfectly reasonable when straight. When you’re stoned, you probably don’t want to do much but hang out. She on the other hand probably has lots of plans for you two. That would be a problem.

The other less likely scenario is that you really don’t want to be in this relationship, for some repressed reason, and getting stoned makes this feeling much stronger. But I doubt this because when you’re straight you’re able to see things more clearly, than when you’re stoned, and if you’re into yoga and meditation, then that should empower you with all the insight you need.

So my advice is, if you’re going to get stoned, make sure it’s a mutual activity, and plan some stoney activity for both of you to enjoy together, like a walk in the woods, or a concert or something you can both enjoy. If she’s not as eager as you to do this, then you might have to decide whether it’s even worth it to get stoned occasionally if it takes this kind of toll on your most important relationship.

-The Old Hippy

Posted by: skip
Views: 71323
Topic:10

Time Heals Loves Wounds?

I’ve been seeing a guy for about 8 months now and things are going really good, however, we both have been thru failed marriages and been hurt and we’re both scared to fall in love again and take the chance of being hurt again. It’s been 2 yrs now since my divorce and i feel like i might be ready to let myself love again, but his hurt is more recent (less than a yr) and he changes his mind from day today. One day he says he loves me and wants me to move in and share his life, and the next day he says he’s scared to love again. It’s certainly understandable that he’s confused right now–but that kinda leaves me in limbo–what do i do? I can’t let myself love him just to be hurt again either. Any advice?

Thanks,
kelly


Kelly,
Loving another always involves some risk. Risk of rejection, risk of ridicule, risk of losing that love you hold so dear. We all want love, but most of us are hesitant to commit ourselves due to such fears.

Those who have loved and lost, feel the pain most acutely. Over time, the pain subsides and one can get back to life again. The next time an opportunity to love comes around, that person is likely to be more hesitant to get involved. This is precisely your predicament.

You’ve noticed that after two years you feel more able to open yourself again. While your boyfriend hasn’t had enough time and mental distance yet to be so open.

I think you two can come together and learn to love again. It will require a positive attitude, perhaps one where you are aware of the mistakes that you made in your last marriages, and strive to make this relationship even better.

But that kind of thing can bring too much pressure into this relationship at this point. In fact that is the basic problem here. The pressure of having failed once, and the likelyhood it might happen again. So the solution requires a complete release from expectations.

After 8 months you two should be able to discuss this frankly, and agree upon a new basis for your relationship where there are no expectations. It’s precisely these kind of expectations that doom many relationships and marriages. After all what is marriage but a codified series of expectations.

Don’t let yourselves be tempted to commit to anything, like living together, until you both feel it is right. Remove this kind of pressure, and perhaps you’ll both be more free to be yourselves. Certainly you’ll be less defensive and more willing to go with the flow of the relationship.

In other words, my advice is to go slow, go with the flow, and don’t lay expectations on each other. When the time is right to get to the next phase in your relationship, you’ll both know it.

Good luck & good lovin’!
The Old Hippy

Posted by: skip
Views: 16068
Topic:8

Scared to say

I have a question about love for you. I’m in love with a guy. I want to express my love to him, but the last time i told a guy i had feelings for him, he really hurt me. i need advice on what to do because i am scared.


Every guy is different. Most guys will run away if you lay it all out. Remember, some guys are afraid too. And there are other, more subtle ways of expressing your feelings without coming right out with it (because that demands a reply).

I think you probably shouldn’t tell any guy how deep your feelings are until you’ve gotten to know him well. By then your feelings may have changed.

In the meantime, look him in the eyes and see what’s there. Is he looking back? Can you talk to him? Does he listen to you? You first have to establish communication before you can get serious with someone. This can take awhile. Don’t have expectations. If you don’t have expectations, you won’t be disappointed if things don’t work out. Don’t be afraid. Just do it! That doesn’t mean have sex, that means just go with the flow and don’t think about. Just live in the moment and let your love flow.

May you find true love!
The Old Hippy

Posted by: skip
Views: 17725
Topic:8

Too Shy

Hey, Turtle Dude!
(That’s my title showing respect–You rock, man!)
I have a question similar to one someone else asked. This guy, who I really like…Well, I want to go out with him. But I’m really embarassed.
I guess it’s because I don’t know how he’d react to it…I don’t know for sure if he likes me or not. I have problems expressing myself in a verbal way to others…

So I don’t even know how to approach him…I have problems talking to people–Especially when others are around.

But I can’t think of any reason to initiate a conversation with him ALONE.
What would you suggest I do? He’s single and a great guy, and we’re into some of the same things (bands and music, mainly).
I would really appreciate your advice…

Peace, flowers, freedom, happiness–HAIR.
Thank you again!


Ask him a question, like What do you think of Beck? or are you going to the such and such concert? That should elicit a response, and LISTEN to what he says before you reply, and reply based upon his answer. Then you’re already in a conversation. If he is interested in you, he’ll pickup the thread and start asking YOU questions.

It’s good to start a conversation about a neutral subject, but it doesn’t send the same signal as you asking him a personal question, like what sign are you? (a really overused line) or doing anything cool this weekend?. A personal question implies you’re interested in knowing more about him and can work very well if done properly.

The difficult part is overcoming your shyness or fear. It’s sorta like jumping into a pool. You think it’s gonna be a cold shock, but you also
know once you get in it won’t be so bad, but you’re paralyzed anyway. Fortunately in this case you can test the waters first by asking a few
questions. His response will tell you a lot.

Remember talking to him isn’t such a big deal so don’t get worked up about it. If you really can’t get up the courage, then maybe some mutual friend can introduce you or perhaps let you know if he’s interested in you.

Sounds to me you better act fast. If he’s such a great guy, some other girl’s gonna get him soon!

Good luck to you!
-The Old Hippy

Posted by: skip
Views: 19706
Topic:8